Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
finally
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*