I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move