me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
You Might Also Like
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
the short answer to this question
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.