So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
it was a valiant fight
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up