all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
(more comics:
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.