I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
#polloftheday
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person