Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The smoothest fall of all time
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
This line from Airplane.
Feels like the fourth month in January
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol