If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that