all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”