Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I didn’t realize that was an option
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon