“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.