ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies