Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
No way!
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.