[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond