My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.