processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You Might Also Like
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery