My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.