How did we decide to go with cockpit?
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Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *