I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…