Does beer think about me too?
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: ok so it鈥檚 a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i鈥檓 not sure that..
me: ..we鈥檒l call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
It hurts? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
It doesn鈥檛 hurt? That鈥檚 the body鈥檚 way of showing you it鈥檚 healing.
– Doctors
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.