“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone