Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My love language is hissing.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”