Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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When I snag the last meatball.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough