Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.