1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”