To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!