If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?