[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Doggies just call it style.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.