good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.