GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I want this so bad
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here