I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”