A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.