Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”