Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
#FunnyLife Insects
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
How do horror writers compete with current events?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”