….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.