The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*cough*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house