I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
new wife guy just dropped
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots