Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Love is always patient and kind.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.