Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
You Might Also Like
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
*feels the wind in my toe hair
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty