Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
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If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.