I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Best table by far
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident