me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
You Might Also Like
Oh deer
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*checks Timeline*…
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”