Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.