[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Weirdly Wednesday.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.