Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
choose your fighter
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.