Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.