Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
plums roundup
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”