Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
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[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please