7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
what are they serving at kfc then???
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Meme Monday.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
just having fun
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.