{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Thursday
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
So we got a goldfish…
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.